On My Honor, I Will Try

Scouting is pretty big in our area for both boys and girls, and though I didn't stick with it for very many years myself, I think Girl Scouts is a fantastic organization that has so much to offer. The local council had an open house type of day that we attended last year, and Caroline had enough fun that she decided she definitely wanted to give it a try.

The 2014 fall semester kicked off with plenty of activities as the girls chose the badges they wanted to work on, not to mention all of the fun activities and patches they would earn for those! I'm a real to-do list kind of person, someone who does best when I have one or more tangible goals that I'm working toward. I loved hearing about the steps the girls were taking toward earning badges, and then watching Caroline learn so much along the way. There was the visit to the fire station, Trunk or Treat at the local Kappa Delta sorority house, caroling at the local nursing home, and volunteering at the local animal shelter where I successfully fended off yet another round of, "when can we get a dog???"

Caroline's favorite thing may have been the archery event in the fall! I'd heard all about archery from her PE classes, and she enthusiastically signed up when Girl Scouts had a class. Man, was I impressed! That kid really knows how to handle a bow and arrow! Over the holidays, she also completed her cooking badge together with Grandmommy May who helped her prepare a two meals, mostly by herself.

As we transitioned into the new year, it was officially Girl Scout cookie time!! I remember going door to door myself, ringing doorbells with my sister in our neighborhood working to hit a certain level to earn either a badge, recognition, or some other type of reward. The cookie kickoff meeting for Caroline's troop had inspired her with the potential to earn cookie cash toward Girl Scout camp - specifically, horse camp. What a great goal, right? Until she explained she needed to sell over 500 boxes of cookies to achieve her goal. WHOA. I'm all for aiming high and giving yourself a stretch goal, but that sure seemed like a lot to me.

Man, did Caroline ever prove me to have underestimated her. She put a plan together, stayed focused on her goal, and worked so hard to sell those cookies! She got her sales pitch down pat, including the one that kept convincing me to go out with her on weekends and her little brother to join her on weekdays when she got home from school. Cold weather, warm weather, didn't matter; she was determined to achieve her goal. School snow day? Just a great opportunity to deliver the goods!

Once the individual sales were done, there was still the opportunity to sell more boxes by participating in the troop booth events. Rain? No problem! My kiddo was a super trooper, enthusiastically manning the booths, talking to customers, making change, and selling those cookies. In the end, Caroline slightly surpassed her goal and did earn that cookie cash toward summer camp. So proud of her!

The weather finally warmed up, we approached the end of the school year, and the troop began planning their first camping trip. Now we're talking! The outdoor stuff is right in my wheelhouse; this is where I could be the mom who happily volunteers! As it was the first time for the troop to go camping together, the plan was to ease them into it with a campsite that had a building fully equipped with electricity, bathrooms, even a kitchen. The goal was to have them sleeping in tents, but who knew how it would go. We arrived at a beautiful campsite not too far from home and began setting up the tents. The gear got unpacked from the cars, and the troop threw themselves into helping the adults set up the tents.

Kristin, our troop leader, was a Girl Scout all the way through high school, and she is awesome. She had spent hours in prep for the trip, and quickly had the campsite set up with a wash station; campfire supplies; and food prep stations. We set the girls to work looking for firewood to get the fire going, and off they tromped on their mission. The traditional foil bag meal was so much fun for the girls to put together, cooked on the fire they had helped build and maintain. I saw first hand the confidence that empowerment can build in little girls, as they learned and tried new things.

After s'mores, stories and jokes around the fire, it was time to get the girls ready for bed. Always easier said than done on a regular night at home, it was mass giggling and procrastinating until we finally got everyone into their sleeping bags and in the tents. I sometimes say that discretion is the better part of valor; into the tent was success. Whether they stopped talking and laughing and finally went to sleep was a bridge too far. The moms all went back inside, where we spent a mostly pleasant night.

Breakfast the next morning was a learning experience for me, too. Kristin has plenty of camping experience, and I was introduced to dutch oven cooking over a campfire! Between the fruit cobbler (hey, it was fruit) in the dutch oven and the eggs in the skillet, it opened my eyes to a whole new way to camp. A morning hike later, we were breaking down the tents and heading back home. The girls all had a fantastic time, and despite my avowal that my camping days were over when my Army days ended, so did I. Next time, I'm even ready to give the tent a chance!

With summer upon us, the troop meetings were on hiatus, but Caroline used her hard-earned cookie cash and began making plans to attend camp. After reading the brochure on all of the camp options, she changed her mind on attending horse camp - not enough actual riding of the horse - and opted instead for the camp themed Ship Wrecked! My kid? Opting into a castaway / survivor camp? To my shock, she was adamant that was the one she wanted to do, and despite my misgivings, far be it from me to talk her out of it. In June, we got her bags packed and headed off to Camp Cahinnio for a week of fun with other Girl Scouts.

Caroline was super excited, even after seeing the platform tents and the outdoor bathrooms! After helping get her bunk area set up, I gave her a big hug and headed home. Over the course of the week, it hit me that as good as it was for Caroline to learn to be away from home, it was equally important for me as a parent to begin learning how to let go. There was no email, no internet, no cell phone connection to Caroline that week. I didn't know at any given time what she was doing, whether she was having fun, how she was getting along with the other girls. It was harder than I expected, but how much harder will it be when she's 18 and leaving for college if I don't learn in baby steps along the way? By Friday when it was time to pick her up, I was both excited and anxious, hoping she'd had a ton of fun, made friends, and learned some cool new stuff along the way.

I needn't have worried; when we arrived, she was in the pool having a blast! When your child's first words are "I don't want to leave!" followed quickly by "Can I come again next year?", you have that parenting moment where you feel like you're winning. What a fantastic lesson Caroline learned about setting and achieving goals, and then what a blessing that the ultimate objective of attending camp turned out to be even more fun than she had imagined.

As we start a new year, our troop has a new look, combining with a couple of other troops at the school. We have a new co-leader who has been doing this for several years, and there is now a group of older girls that Caroline and her troopmates will be able to look up to. We had our kickoff picnic a couple of weeks ago, and our first troop meeting this past Sunday. Caroline's Junior vest is looking sharp with all of the badges and patches she earned in her first year!

I hope to get more involved this year; I've told Kristin before, while I don't want to lead the troop, I am happy to do whatever it takes to support her so that she wants to continue leading! I plan to help the girls earn their First Aid badge, and we're already working on our first fall camping trip. I think this year will be the girls' opportunity to step up a little bit more and make more decisions on what they want to do vs. the adults telling them what they'll work on.

While Girl Scouts is very much about building skills and self-confidence, it has also helped me see that my daughter is capable of so much when given the chance to try. It's helped me raise my expectations where appropriate as well as trust her to try things on her own. It's exciting to see her grow as an individual and, as importantly, as a part of a group. Here's to another year of Caroline discovering what she's capable of when she works together with her friends, sets goals, develops a plan, and achieves extraordinary things!

Battle of the (waistline) bulge

Disclaimer: I know I'm not fat. In fact, I'm generally pretty happy with my level of fitness and my ability to fit into 98% of the clothes I keep in my closet and drawers. Despite that, at the moment, I'm back to counting calories and trying to shed a few pounds. It isn't about clothing sizes, it isn't about body image. It's all about race weight and getting faster. I correlate my weight directly to my ability to shed a few seconds off of my per mile pace, and I think that's a reasonable way to think about it.

Try not to judge my runner logic. Or even understand it, if it seems wackadoodle to you. It doesn't make sense unless you're a little bit of a crazy runner. Which, seemingly, is my normal. But I digress.

I actually have a thing about weight - and by a thing, I mean, I stress about not talking about it and not thinking about. I spent most of my life with the knowledge that a woman's weight, in many ways, defines her. Oh, nobody ever said it overtly - who would? - but the constant presence of a scale in the house growing up, then the public weigh-ins at West Point and in the Army, to the post-baby morphing of my body all contributed to my low level obsession with weight and body image. Directly contributing to my stress about not thinking about it when I think about it all. the. time.

That is so far from what I want for my children, I have made an effort to go to the opposite end of the spectrum, at least in conversations in our house.

We don't own a scale; we don't talk about weight; we don't call people fat or chubby or pudgy or anything along those lines in our house. We do talk about being healthy and fit, and making good choices with our food quantity and quality. I figure there is enough pressure in society at large; my kids don't need me adding to it.

Kids aren't oblivious, though - quite the opposite. They see and hear everything (except what you need them to, of course), and when I'm counting calories, they notice. The last thing I want is for either of them to think they need to lose weight. So the other day, when John asked me if I was counting calories "again," I nervously answered in the affirmative. His response?

"Oh, do you have another race coming up soon?"

My kid associates counting calories not with weight gain or loss, or with body image issues. He associates it with races and trying to get faster.

Mom for the win.

Caroline's Got (age-appropriate) Talent

This evening was the annual Holcomb Elementary 3rd and 4th grade talent show, and my big 3rd grader made her debut! Thanks to long-distance piano lessons with Grandmommy May, Caroline was able to perform one of the pieces she's been working on this year at both the afternoon and evening performances.

I thought back to my own elementary school days and a faint memory of a talent show; if I remember correctly, I performed a lip sync instead of playing the piano, to (I'm sure) my mother's eternal frustration and disappointment. Not only did I demand to be allowed to lip sync, but I chose a song by *gasp* Madonna, and of all songs, I chose *what-was-I-thinking* "Like A Virgin." In fact, my 4th grade teacher, Ms. McCray (who I always thought was super cool because she was young and fun to my 10 year old eyes) let me borrow one of her prom dresses so that I was in full costume.

As an aside, I'm not sure whether color commentary is more appropriate for me or for Ms. McCray on my being able to wear her prom dress at the age of 10.

Regardless, as I watched the show tonight that included a couple of gyrating, booty-shaking dance routines to current popular music that were suspect in their appropriateness for 3rd and 4th graders, I finally understood how mortified my own mom must have been all those years ago. Lip syncing Madonna, as a 4th grader? Could it get any more inappropriate? Not to mention, it was common knowledge that my mom was a piano teacher. Her own daughter didn't have a piano piece to play at the talent show?

I'm sure it wasn't for lack of something to play; it was the earliest stages of the rebellion of a daughter who insisted on being her own person; choosing her own path; defining her own self in large part by highlighting how she was different. You can't possibly know the hassle and frustration and occasional disappointment of being a mother to a headstrong daughter until you have your own, and I'm just starting to see that side of motherhood.

So Mom, I want you to know, tonight was kind of a do-over for you. Caroline was so courageous, getting up in front of all of her peers today and then again in front of their families tonight. She had poise and determination, and she played beautifully. Not once did she fight me on the suggestion to play the piano for the talent show. I was so proud of her tonight, and I know you would have been too.

Second time was the charm.

House rules

I like to joke with my kids and with friends that I'll know I'm doing my job as a parent when I hear my kids tell their friends that their mom is the meanest mom in the world. 

Only half joking. 

I fully subscribe to the whole "the Latin root of the word discipline means to teach." Discipline isn't mean; I see it as setting boundaries to help my kids make sense of a world that is much, much bigger than them, and if left totally open to their whims, much, much scarier than it needs to be. The thing is, it's a big world. With lots of wide open spaces. Which means as a parent, we are CON-STANT-LY setting boundaries. 

It's exhausting, isn't it?!

There are plenty of Coussoule house rules, well articulated and known by all. There are also lots of assumed rules based on articulated expectations of behavior. And then... Well, then there's the gray areas. The places where you would think the rules are clear despite never being said out loud, but strangely, appear as wide open spaces because one of the kiddos misinterpreted the boundary. 

I try to be reasonable. When a boundary is misjudged, I tend to make a correction and give a second chance. But as the kids get older, pleading ignorance to rules gets less plausible; I'm finding that they're able to set their own boundaries in some of those wide open spaces because we've been consistent with rules and expectations. 

Parent brag #1: one thing Justin and I do really, really well is consistency. Which, of course, means my kids have even less wiggle room with the "I didn't knooooooooow!!!!!" plea. 

Last night, John found himself in a bit of a pickle when he was caught red handed catapulting right over one of those boundaries. I was enjoying a rare snuggle moment as he sat on my lap watching Monday Night Football before going up to bed. After a couple of minutes, Daddy came down the stairs and walked directly over to us with his hands cupped together, full of empty candy wrappers. 

Which he had found stashed behind John's dresser in his room. 

There are so many problems with this picture. Where to begin?

1. John took candy upstairs despite knowing that was against the house rules

2. John ate the candy in his room and hid the wrappers (circumstantial evidence points to the perp knowing he was guilty)

3. When faced with evidence of the crime, his only rebuttal was a hang dog look and silence

I fully expected Daddy to launch into a cross examination complete with judgement at the end, but he took the high road. He calmly explained exactly why leaving food on the floor invites bugs and rodents, which once established, are virtually impossible to get rid of. He voiced both his displeasure and disappointment that John knowingly did something wrong and then... That was it. I was mildly in shock, because this was a clear violation of house rules. 

So I thought for a minute, and then turned to John:

Buddy, you knew that was wrong, but you did it anyway. Not only are we disappointed in you making a bad choice, but now you may not have any candy the rest of the week. 

Okay, Mommy. 

Buddy, you know what happens this week, right?

Oh, if pitiful eyes could change hearts, the world would be a peaceful place. But - but - John has the meanest mom in the world. And as his lip quivered and he pitifully half-whispered "Halloween?" I honestly had a "this hurts me more than it hurts you" parenting moment. 

And then I said, that's right, Buddy. Halloween. And you may not have any of your candy for the rest of this week. 

Parent brag #2: when Justin and I say something to the kids, whether it's a fun promise or a discipline promise, we stick to it. No matter how much it sucks for some or all of the parties involved. 

I hate that he won't be able to eat his candy on Halloween. We usually let the kids eat more than is good for them that one night, and like kids everywhere, they love it. But this year, John will have to watch from the sidelines while his sister dumps out her bag and makes her choices. 

It's a hard lesson learned, but given the disproportionate importance of Halloween in a kid's world, I think it's one that will stick with him. And when he thinks of it years from now, maybe when he's a parent, he'll understand that the meanest mom in the world loved him enough to give him boundaries as a way to prepare him for the big, scary world. 

Friday Feature: John's artwork

I try hard to alternate the Friday features between the two kids, but here in the first week of school, pickings are pretty slim. Add to that my work hours this week have been off the charts, and I'm not even sure I've seen all of the school work that's come home.

I noticed this picture this morning when I was waiting for my coffee to brew:

Excellent first week of school subject, right? What I did on my summer vacation!!

Except we went to Disney World last year. And there seems to be an extra sister in our family portrait. Hilarious. 

Except John didn't think it was hilarious. When he came down this morning I could tell he wasn't his usual chipper self. I think the first two weeks back to school are tiring after a summer of setting your own schedule, and he was a little bit subdued. I gave him a hug and told him I saw his picture but, silly goose, we went to Disney last year!

Bad move, Mama... Tears of frustration, before we even sat down to breakfast. Poor little man. I wasn't making fun of him, just thought it was funny that he got his summers mixed up. So I'll find a way to reassure him tonight that I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, and keep in mind in the future, Mama's teasing words sound different to little ears sometimes. 

The lure of the pixels

I remember being enamored with computers when I was about 7 years old. But that meant being enamored with a Commodore 64 and Space Invaders. Now, it's a whoooooooole different story.

I know every parent now has to make the call on how much computer time is right for their kid. If I left it up to John, that number would be somewhere around 39 hours a day, 12 days a week, for 94 weeks a year. That translates to roughly ALL THE TIME.

*sigh*

Justin and I usually do a good job of monitoring the time in front of the screen, keeping it to a reasonable amount. Then there are nights like tonight where the response to "Mommy, can I get on the computer?" is an unhesitating "Sure, buddy." Followed quickly by sweet Caroline asking, "Can I get on the little computer, too?" You bet, sweet peaches. Too tired to even think about how to say no nicely for the millionth time.